My Mistakes

At that time in Moscow, we called ourselves Center Vajrayana. Vajrayana means Straight Path, Straight Path to Mahanirvana, to Mergence with the Creator.

The School was growing in the form of a pyramid with its stories equal in height. The stories represent the courses. The lower stories were visited by thousands of students; the higher the story the smaller number of students can come to it. Everyone had to take of our knowledge and methods not more than he or she may encompass without damaging oneself. The summit was reached only by a few. And the summit itself was also moving up; the pyramid was growing.

Yet, God did not send to me really mature, in the psychogenetic aspect, students: all “adults” had to create their own Schools-pyramids.

… Everyone has their own speed of advancement, which is predetermined, to a large extent, by achievements of the previous incarnations. Therefore, offering to the students accelerated programs of mastering the psycho-techniques, one has to take into account not only their current degree of aspirations to self-development, ethical and intellectual levels, but also the potential which the student brought into the current incarnation. (This can be evaluated not only by looking at the past incarnations of the student, but also by considering his or her amount of the kundalini energy).

I had two best students in Moscow (there was also Galina Vaver, but she headed her own center). I appointed one of those students as a director of the Center, and another one — as a senior instructor.

Though they were, undoubtedly, the best ones by intellectual and psycho-energetical levels, yet the former of them had the features of irresponsibility, egoism, falsity; he even could steal. Also he could easily slander, betray anyone, even his own wife, — and not for some great purpose, but just for the sake… of convenience in conversation… When I pointed out his reprehensible deeds, his typical reaction “for the public” was the following: “Look at him! How perversely he understands it! He draws conclusions only from rumors! Why not to ask me!” Yet, he lied and lied…

I pointed out these vices to him; he repented, promised to reform, said that he has reformed already… By this he created the impression of his sincerity. And he deluded me for a long time. His words of repentance were also a lie: simply some time ago he decided for himself that it is more easy to live lying …

Our work relationships were going like this: for example, we were discussing a plan of further actions of the Center. We discussed it; everyone agreed. I told:

“Now I’m going to leave for a couple of weeks. In this time, you have to do these things. Do you agree?”

“Yes.”

Two weeks later I came back.

“Have you done it?”

“No.”

“Why?!”

“I forgot.”

“… Here, I give you a notepad! Write to it all plans! Write: to do these things. I will come back in 4 days. If you do not do it, our plans will fail!”

Four days later:

“Have you done it?”

“No.”

“…?”

“I forgot.”

“But you wrote it to the notepad!”

“Yes, but I need to recall first to look into it…”

… Another curious example. They together with the senior instructor came to me to Saint Petersburg for working on places of power. In the morning, I have a lot of things to do: to cook a breakfast, to feed them, to cook something for taking with ourselves to the forest, to take care that there will be meals when we come back, to wash dishes, to sweep the floor, to check that they had everything necessary of clothes, and a lot of other things… In short — unavoidable concerns, also about not missing the train.

As for them — they are sitting on a sofa and “chattering”. To be precise, it is he who is chattering — prolixly, obtrusively. She is just sitting and enduring it. This goes on for a half an hour, for an hour, while I am preparing everything necessary for them and myself for our hike. From time to time, I am reminding them how many minutes we have before going out …

At the end I say:

“Okay! We have to go! Have you visited the toilet?”

“No! We will visit it now!…”

As a result, we are late, we are in a hurry, we are nearly missing the train…

After that, I heard how they discussed it and drew a conclusion: “Well, he lives in such fuss!…”

… When it happened that they together with other “best students” from Moscow came to me for classes, in one week they would ate up my several-months reserve of food. And “as a reward” they would leave for me a bag of candies.

… Yet, at that time, I paid no attention to this; simply I gave knowledge and everything I had because I loved them… And I did not understand that they were not worthy of such love… Seen no better people around myself, I believed that I could change them with my love…

… I was not of those people who, when feeding guests, count how much food each guest ate. On the contrary, I was always glad about good appetite of my friends, because the energy of food is needed for growth of the consciousness! It was the most important thing to me: serving the case of the Evolution through increasing the common refined energy of the consciousnesses of all people, especially of those who were entrusted to me by God.

Yet… analyzing this now, I see the following: God through the Bhagavad Gita [20] stated: the one, who receives gifts and gives no gifts in return, is verily a thief…

* * *

… Once I had to carry along a long stairway to a departing train an extremely heavy rucksack with books and, in addition, a handcart with books, which I had to carry in hands… It seemed to me that I am about to pass out because of overstrain… And she was going nearby carrying nothing, and instead of helping me, seeing that I am at the limit of my strength, was “inspiring” me by saying:

“Come on! It’s a little left!…”

* * *

… I tried to transform her from an indoor creature with chronic flu and three-weeks-long menstruation into a spiritual warrior; in the spiritual relation, she was contented, before coming to the School, that she is acquainted with an Orthodox “father”…

She recovered. Yet, she had not become a spiritual warrior.

She received higher philosophical education and could teach successfully the methodological part of the program. Yet, she had not gain the ability to fight for the others’ good, opposing evil. Her ability to care for others was almost zero. She always would leave the battlefield, encountering rude force. And she tried to ascertain her “I” in petty caprices in the relationships with me.

… Once I was leading a group along a forest road to a place of power. She said with indignation: “Why do we go along the higher road and not along the lower one?!”

I responded: “The lower one is full of puddles. It was raining last night. I have been walking these places for many years and know them well.”

“No, there are no puddles there!”

“Well, let’s go and see…”

We went to the lower road and continued our walking through huge and muddy puddles …

Of course, this was a petty thing. More important was that she stopped paying attention to my opinions about teaching the students. Our relationships came to break-up…

* * *

… Boris Grebenschikov sang in one of his sons: “… And when I decided that there are no people among pigs and fishes…”

… Once were walking with her along a forest road near a river.

We already had a break in our relationships because of her departure from the accepted in the School methodology of teaching. She wanted to have many students: to experiment with people. I, basing on my experience and seeing the danger of her intents, insisted on adhering to the methodological purity, which was tested for years.

My objections annoyed her, increasing her desire to contradict. She wanted to go barefooted and took off the shoes.

I warned her that she could wound the feet by a splinter or wire in the mud. She replied:

“No! It will be all right!”

And immediately stepped in a large pile of excrement. She tried to clean her feet with a dry twig. It broke, and she dirtied the hands…

I took her to the river to wash the hands and feet.

The river in a shallow place was full of fry.

I told her:

“Don’t dirty also the fry!…”

She cleaned herself, but did pay heed to me. And later, by her betrayal, she caused a lot of harm to people (who entrusted themselves not to her, but to me as the leader of the Center).

* * *

Her characteristic features were lack of concern about others and absence of organizational skills. For example, she paid no attention to a fused bulb and broken latch in the only lavatory in the place where they held classes.

A woman learns to care for others (an important aspect of love) in a natural way through upbringing children. Yet, she had children neither in this life nor in the past incarnations.

* * *

In her past life, she was a Buddhist monk in a Tibetan monastery.

He was a pseudo-Sufic mage-hooligan called Man-bullet.

My attempts to help them to become better — gentle hints, giving examples of other people — at first were accepted positively, but later caused annoyance: why do you teach us? — now we can meditate not worse than you!…

* * *

The Moscow center of our School was breaking down…

Once I spotted in the body of the director a “settler” — a spirit of monkey. And he developed another feature of behavior — aping and grimacing, which seemed funny to himself, but inappropriate to the people around.

Also a small spirit — who pretended to be Babaji — began to watch over them. They could hear him, but could not see. He was sent to them as a joker-tempter. And she — instead of working on self-perfection — get captivated by listening to his tales about how she, allegedly, in her past lives was incarnated together with Babaji …

At first, it seemed to me that I can help them significantly in approaching the Perfection in intellectual and ethical aspects of development. Therefore, I entrusted to them important work: instructed them about the methods of teaching, assigned to leading positions, helped in writing scientific articles, and so on. I even I added their names as co-authors to one of my books in order to increase their prestige in other’s view…

She turned out to be a soul which is too young to be capable of loving and taking care of those whom you love, fighting for their good. He was too much rooted in the vices of laziness, falsity, baseness, the ability to betray at any moment — to such an extent that he learned to disguise them well.

And I could not discern it at that time. Moreover, I did not want to see this when God directly pointed out to me their inadequacy to the work of an instructor of the School.

And His Intent was to make Avatars through me. It was not about making one more “large and good family” of frolic children playing religion.

For this purpose, He had to teach me much more and in other conditions, apart from the crowd. But I could not and did not want to see this and resisted.

And then God declared that He closes the Center Vajrayana. Personally to me He said the following:

“The Center Vajrayana came to its end. I abolish it — with the help of rude force if you do not do it yourself! Classes in the present form are not needed anymore! They will be continued on another basis. The Center does not exist any longer: I have closed it. You may consider it closed from this very moment! Later you will see many your mistakes — attachments to the ‘earthly’. From now on, there is only I — the Center for all souls aspiring to Me! You need no formal organization on the Earth anymore!”

And after same time, I learned about what was going on in the Center in secret from me: “sexual seminars” with collective undressing for everyone willing, classes with coloring of naked female bodies in public (and how? — the breast in black and what is below — in red!).

At that time, Canadian filmmakers came. They wanted to make a film about the spiritual life in Russia. And they shot this disgusting episode…

And singing in the Center got reduced to praising fairy “gods” from Indian folklore, instead of praising of God as it was intended in the beginning.

And all this was done with constant repeating of the name of Babaji and accompanied by talks about establishing the Center of Babaji.

All it became something different from the Straight Path to God, from Vajrayana.

I declared to them that it is time for us to part and that in future they must not use my name and the authority of our School.

Yet, they said nothing to others about this talk of ours and tried to keep the Center and their leadership, without me but assuming the right of succession.

I knew that I fulfilled my mission for other students in Moscow by giving everyone that which they could encompass on their current stage of development. I just had to draw the conclusion.

I felt it was my duty to collect the Moscow students and, saying farewell to them, to express my attitude toward these events.

In particular, I said:

“The Center Vajrayana is closed. I assume no responsibility for the future deeds of the instructors who want to go their own path. From now on, they can hold classes on ‘meditative masturbation’ or ‘group bestiality’, but under their responsibility in front of God and people, without hiding behind the name of Babaji or my name.”

* * *

This story demonstrates clearly that even a big success in psycho-energetical training does not contribute by itself to rooting out gross ethical vices.

Now (too late unfortunately) I see the futility of my attempts to correct the ethical vices of the students in the process of serious esoteric work: in reality, crystal ethical purity has to be a prerequisite to such work, a “permit” to it.

God said the following about these mistakes of mine in relation to these students:

“You tried to bring into Me all kind of garbage!…”

… Though on the other hand, was not it He Who blessed me formerly to every new stage of working with them?…

The reason of this apparent contradiction consists in the following.

First, through these lessons He taught me to understand people better and, moreover, now I can share this experience of mine with many people.

Second, I could not advance myself so successfully along the spiritual Path if I would seek it only for myself. I paved the way for my students and one of the most important stimulus of my efforts was love for them.